True Horror

Today… I would like to get a bit serious, again.  Previously, I wanted to try keeping as much of the first week blogging a positive one, as possible to do so.  However, like the subject to be discussed, it cannot be outrun or “outgunned.”

All of the greatest pieces of art, be it visual or literary, can be looked at in the same way we gaze upon a foggy mirror.  They are reflections of something, fogged and often times difficult to interpret or truly understand by eyes other than the artist’s.  These reflections can be of things buried inside the artist’s mind, or simply a transcription of their perspective.

Recall, for a moment, that I mentioned in my first blog-post, how I draw upon intangible sources for strength and willpower whenever I find myself in a slump.  Well, my dear readers, it has great significance on the present.  I find that a devil of the blues is wrapped around me, an icy grip on my spirit and its jagged teeth gnawing at the back of my mind.

Wisdom and a debt keep me rolling forward, with my head up and my focus set forward.  Guilt has shackled my ankles, however.

Take a moment, dear reader, to shut your eyes and call to mind: who do I know with ADD?

Does it feel anti-climatic?  Such a long, suspenseful, and dramatic build-up to an apex as seemingly minor as ADD (attention deficit disorder)?  Maybe a little disappointing?

Let’s explore why this could be considered an element of horror that the greatest writers can only scarcely dream of.

Imagine that you cannot focus upon any single thing for long.  Something else adds itself to your mind in an instant and quickly chases out the previous epicenter of your attention.  Doesn’t seem like any sort of big deal, you’ll just complete the new objective and then return to the other one.  Prior to finishing it, something else jumps in to take its place, just as it had stolen you away from its precursor.  When you get right down to it, “ADD” is unbelievably appropriate; because things keep on adding into your mind, but never subtracting from it.

Picture the book you’re reading.  You’ve just gotten to the last chapter, but now you come to the strange epiphany that you want to write.  Getting started on that writing, you’re halfway through the project and come to the conclusion that it’s time for a break.  You sit down to watch TV.  The love of your life, whom you discovered a month ago, comes to join you.  Oddly, you don’t feel interested in them anymore.  A day later, you have broken up.  There are no tears for you, but your lover is nearly insane with heartbreak.

The bills are due, and for the last week, you’ve been working hard at your job to earn that paycheck.  But in the last couple of days, you haven’t even gone into work, because some alien adversity towards going someplace familiar again this week.  Your boss calls, worried you’ve been in some sort of accident, but finds you’re alright; you’ve just dropped everything you were working on for no discoverable reason.

Imagine you have children, they’re depending on you to survive.  Your mind has established a brick wall between them and you.  But wait, there’s more than that.  They seem to have totally forgotten you’re even their parent, simply disinterested.  Now, with a strange and detached sense of horror, you’re witnessing as they drift aimlessly between jobs, school, and even relationships just as you did.  Like a perpetual plague, the cycle goes onward.

Does this sound terrible?  Naturally, it might.  ADD creates the pseudo-logical conclusion that you simply cannot allocate your interests onto anything for a particularly long period of time.  For me, it creates an extremely heavy weight of guilt.  It was on the evening of my birthday, that I was reflecting on this sort of existence and coming to the conclusion that I will never quite be capable of holding a job, relationship, or other permanent direction of thought.  Being able to recognize this makes it rather depressing.  I found myself wondering whether I could somehow cut this inability to focus out of the burdens of others by removing myself from the equation.

Such speculation brought me in full circle back to the realization of how selfish such a course of action would be.  And so, I drag my dressed-in-blue cold devil along and try to continue.  Besides, I wouldn’t be able to stick to the idea. 

But, how is it that I am able to focus on writing?  That’s a two-faced situation.  On one side, it is a form of escapism.  You have less to worry about in the world of your imagining, where the most dangerous thing is merely forgetting to hit the “save” button.  On the other end of the deal… I’m not published, yet.  Aspiring to be an author since I was nine and writing stories since I was able to hold a pencil, one might think I’d have been able to produce something, no?  Interest is very fleeting for me, and boredom comes quickly — no matter how glorious the idea.

Though this has been an exhausting post, beloved reader, before I hit “publish” and retreat behind the lines to work on my writing, I wish to leave you all with an additional piece of insight.  You need only let your imagination sculpt the scope of it.

What is the difference between ADD and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder)?

Well, the hyperactivity means it’s far, far faster.  Breaching the mind, the inability to control your attention infects the body as well.  The process of a week is broken down into minutes at best, and on top of being unable to focus your mind, you cannot focus your body into one direction.  It’s almost comical, really.  Of course… dolls we make dance, with strings they could never break, are comical too.

In fact, it’s almost like a demon, spirit, or spell has wrestled away their control, no?

Heretic Fox


2 responses to “True Horror

  1. You make some fascinating points here. I’m hoping you will be able to continue putting up quality posts like this one. You know, I could see you writing a really decent biography.

    • I’m very appreciative of the compliment, but hoping to avoid posting too many woeful subjects. Don’t want to end up the sort of person that’s only trying to point out how terrible things are.

      Thanks for the response!

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